Quotes say it better than I could!

"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming - and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part." Anonymous

This pretty much sums up how I feel all the time! Missing my Danny like crazy... wishing things were different! Trying to figure out the "why" and reflecting on our life together!

I love you and miss you Dan!

Things I miss......

Since my husband's passing 5 long, tiresome weeks ago, I have thought about him constantly and probably every minute of the day. There are many things that I miss about him and his sayings. It seems that everywhere I go, he is reminding me of our life together. In a way, this is bittersweet.

What I miss about Dan:

When he smiles at me for no reason.
His subtle " I love yous" just out of the blue.
The way he would stand and tell me goodbye when I would leave for the day.
The color of his eyes when he stood in the light... they were the prettiest green every.
Friday steak nights and watching our dvr movies.
Hugs and kisses all throughout the day... this includes kisses goodnight.
The smell of his deodorant.
Holding hands and touching feet while in bed.
Everyday conversations which usually turned into me asking advice about something.
Walks to have a drink.
Walks after having a drink...ouch!
The way he loved me.

The list could go on... but I am beginning to cry!
I will never forget you Danny! I love you forever!

Happy 2nd Birthday Gabe!

Well... I was so slack and didn't write anything on my blob about Gabe's week. I really just didn't want to but now I am ready to write a few words.

Dear Gabe,
You will never know how many people thought of you on your birthday and passing day. You are so loved and in a way it is bittersweet b/c you should be here to feel that love. I still think about you everyday and what could have been. There are no words to express how much I miss you. You are one of the best things that could ever have happened to me. I sure hope that they threw you a grande party in heaven... you deserve the best! I love you more than anyone could ever love someone!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Gabe,
Happy Thanksgiving... I wish you were here to join us in the festivities. I miss you soooo much and can't help to wonder why this all happened. Everyone is thinking of you and wishing you were here. I love you sweet baby boy... you are always in my heart!

Love,
Mommy

An update!

I haven't blogged in such a long time, in fact I read so many other blogs and don't ever have the courage to really write how I feel plus I am a horrible writer. On that note, I returned to the College of Charleston this semester with full intent on graduating in May 2011 with a BS in Special education with an emphasis on emotional and mental disabilities. I would love to teach/work with children who have mental disabilities primarily down syndrome. This is dear to my heart because of Gabe's diagnosis and it makes me feel as though I am little bit closer to who or what he could have become. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't a walk in the park by no means, in fact after all the research I have done on down syndrome one would think I would know a little bit but there is so much more than just a definition and a bunch of characteristics. Sooo, classes have been good, stressful, and at times really sad. They have made me think a lot about what could have been with Gabe and the things that I never got to go through with him but the ironic part is that I don't think as much about the baby things like bringing him home, dressing him, caring for him but more about the things we would be doing with him because of his disability. There are so many people in my classes who are there for the same reasons as I and everyday there is a story about a friend, relative, and even a son or daughter (from the older students) who made the decision to enter this field to make a difference, and most of them have proudly told their stories. However, I don't think I am quite ready to tell everyone about my Gabe; plus I don't want everyone to see me cry!

Other than school, study, home, dinner, bed, maybe some tv at the end of the night..... my life is just pretty much uneventful. But happily uneventful!

Life can be so unfair!!!!!!!!

I miss my Gabe so much! I wish you were here! I feel as though life can be so unfair.

Tough Week

This week has been a very weird one. I think that with all the pregnancies around me and all the people who have just had babies has made me think of Gabe a lot more than I usually do. I truly believe that I have somewhat accepted Gabe's death however I do at times get the knot in my stomach when I hear someone close to me is expecting. I am happy for these people but I just wish it was me or wish I had Gabe with me now. I then start thinking about what we would be doing with him and how my friends who have kids would probably be hanging out more. I sorta think that they are in a different stage of life than I am even though I was just at that stage about a year ago.