Quotes say it better than I could!

"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming - and their scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in their closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes, when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feelings that they're gone forever, there comes another day, and another specifically missing part." Anonymous

This pretty much sums up how I feel all the time! Missing my Danny like crazy... wishing things were different! Trying to figure out the "why" and reflecting on our life together!

I love you and miss you Dan!

Things I miss......

Since my husband's passing 5 long, tiresome weeks ago, I have thought about him constantly and probably every minute of the day. There are many things that I miss about him and his sayings. It seems that everywhere I go, he is reminding me of our life together. In a way, this is bittersweet.

What I miss about Dan:

When he smiles at me for no reason.
His subtle " I love yous" just out of the blue.
The way he would stand and tell me goodbye when I would leave for the day.
The color of his eyes when he stood in the light... they were the prettiest green every.
Friday steak nights and watching our dvr movies.
Hugs and kisses all throughout the day... this includes kisses goodnight.
The smell of his deodorant.
Holding hands and touching feet while in bed.
Everyday conversations which usually turned into me asking advice about something.
Walks to have a drink.
Walks after having a drink...ouch!
The way he loved me.

The list could go on... but I am beginning to cry!
I will never forget you Danny! I love you forever!

Happy 2nd Birthday Gabe!

Well... I was so slack and didn't write anything on my blob about Gabe's week. I really just didn't want to but now I am ready to write a few words.

Dear Gabe,
You will never know how many people thought of you on your birthday and passing day. You are so loved and in a way it is bittersweet b/c you should be here to feel that love. I still think about you everyday and what could have been. There are no words to express how much I miss you. You are one of the best things that could ever have happened to me. I sure hope that they threw you a grande party in heaven... you deserve the best! I love you more than anyone could ever love someone!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Gabe,
Happy Thanksgiving... I wish you were here to join us in the festivities. I miss you soooo much and can't help to wonder why this all happened. Everyone is thinking of you and wishing you were here. I love you sweet baby boy... you are always in my heart!

Love,
Mommy

An update!

I haven't blogged in such a long time, in fact I read so many other blogs and don't ever have the courage to really write how I feel plus I am a horrible writer. On that note, I returned to the College of Charleston this semester with full intent on graduating in May 2011 with a BS in Special education with an emphasis on emotional and mental disabilities. I would love to teach/work with children who have mental disabilities primarily down syndrome. This is dear to my heart because of Gabe's diagnosis and it makes me feel as though I am little bit closer to who or what he could have become. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't a walk in the park by no means, in fact after all the research I have done on down syndrome one would think I would know a little bit but there is so much more than just a definition and a bunch of characteristics. Sooo, classes have been good, stressful, and at times really sad. They have made me think a lot about what could have been with Gabe and the things that I never got to go through with him but the ironic part is that I don't think as much about the baby things like bringing him home, dressing him, caring for him but more about the things we would be doing with him because of his disability. There are so many people in my classes who are there for the same reasons as I and everyday there is a story about a friend, relative, and even a son or daughter (from the older students) who made the decision to enter this field to make a difference, and most of them have proudly told their stories. However, I don't think I am quite ready to tell everyone about my Gabe; plus I don't want everyone to see me cry!

Other than school, study, home, dinner, bed, maybe some tv at the end of the night..... my life is just pretty much uneventful. But happily uneventful!

Life can be so unfair!!!!!!!!

I miss my Gabe so much! I wish you were here! I feel as though life can be so unfair.

Tough Week

This week has been a very weird one. I think that with all the pregnancies around me and all the people who have just had babies has made me think of Gabe a lot more than I usually do. I truly believe that I have somewhat accepted Gabe's death however I do at times get the knot in my stomach when I hear someone close to me is expecting. I am happy for these people but I just wish it was me or wish I had Gabe with me now. I then start thinking about what we would be doing with him and how my friends who have kids would probably be hanging out more. I sorta think that they are in a different stage of life than I am even though I was just at that stage about a year ago.

I am in a dream

I sometimes feel like having Gabe and loosing him was just a dream. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that this would happen to me. I often wonder what I did or who I angered to have such a horrible loss. I sometimes have to sit down and really think about the 2 days that I had Gabe. It is not like I don't think about him and yearn for him but I feel like it is somewhat of a blur that is the events that happened especially on February 4th. Lately, when I see a baby esp. a boy I get very angry that those people were able to have a healthy baby.... what about me and my baby? I get worried that the next baby will have the same problem and that I will never be able to take home a live child. I feel like I am somehow taking my husbands dreams of having a child away b/c this could be my fault or possibly be our genetics together. Gabe was not really planned, but we were talking about trying in the next month although I was already pregnant and didn't know it... however as soon as we found out we were pregnant we were so overjoyed and excited about our little bean. He means the world to us and I just wish I knew why he passed away. It is so scary that he could have had some sort of genetic disease that was undetectable in utero. I miss him and wish for him back everyday!

Happy Birthday Gabe!

To my precious baby boy,
Happy Birthday Gabriel! I miss you and love you more than anyone could ever love someone. I am so sorry that you cannot be here with the ones that love you. I do not understand why God chose to take you away from us. I want you to be here with your mommy and daddy and doing what one year olds do.... I have no clue what that would be. However, I am thankful that I got to see you, hold you, kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me. You are a blessing to me! I am so glad that you came into this world with parents, grandparents, aunts, and many friends who love you so much. I will always treasure the two days we had together... they will alwasy be imbedded in my heart and my soul. So today baby boy is for you! This is Gabe's day and always will be! I miss you, love you, and will never forget you! Happy Birthday Gabriel Ivian!

The day is coming

I have had so many feelings about Gabe's bday which is February 2nd. It has been nerve racking and at the same time anticipated. I want so bad for him to be here and to be celebrating his very first birthday but unfortunately it will be day of what would have been as well as a celebration of his short but treasured life.

Gabe's grandmother(Nancy) is putting a memorial in the paper for Gabe on February 4th... she wrote this for him and I think it is the sweetest birthday gift. It made me very teary eyed... I love you baby boy.

Gabriel Ivian Doyle

February 2, 2008 – February 4, 2008

February comes with joy and sadness.

A month, we will never forget.

You were given to us and taken away.

To your resting place we wander

with flowers, we place with care.

God only knows how our heart aches

as we turn and leave you there.

You were gone before we knew it

and only God knows why.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone, for

part of us went with you,

the day God called you Home.

Each time we look at your picture,

you seem to smile and say

“Don’t grieve, we will meet again someday”.

We love you

New year.... New Beginnings

I am hoping this year brings much more happiness that 2008, not saying Gabe's birth was not the happiest day of my life, but him not being here has made my life a little more difficult. However, this year I am bound and determined to continue school ( I am a life long student) and to graduate by 2011. When I returned to school in the fall of 06, I had originally declared my major as early childhood education but had secretly always wanted to do Special Education. I was so worried that I would be at CofC for more than 2ish years that I just kept my major at early childhood. Well, as we all know I got pregnant with Gabe in May and decided to continue school through the summer trying to get the majority of my pre requisites out the way. That was very hard to do considering I had morning sickness and the only thing I could eat was fruit and mac n cheese and my class was at 7:30am. I got through it, that is both Geology classes with a lab and the morning sickness. Since Gabe's death I have been feeling as though I should pursue the major that means the most to me and to graduate with a special education degree no matter how long it may take. I think that my calling is to work with children who have down syndrome and autism and I believe that in a way Gabe made me believe that I do have the patience and the heart to help these children make a difference in this world.

So, I am back in the grind, this time with a job! I am up at 6:15am every Tues and Thursday.... and for those who know me this is not what time I enjoy getting up but well worth it in the end. I am taking one class for now which happens to be the one subject I am horrible at, Probability and Statistics(thank goodness my husband is a math pro). Once I am done with this class and a math part on the Praxis( teaching test to get into the program)I can then enter the program in August of this year. I will then be graduating in 2011.

I hope this year brings my husband and I a little more peace for Gabe's death. It will never be easy and we think of him constantly everyday of our lives . He will always be our first born and will always be in our hearts.

At a loss

Well, Christmas came and went and nothing exciting has been going on in our lives. We have a cousin who is getting baptized in the weeks to come but we have not been invited. This is the story of the lives of parents who have children who are no longer living. They must think that we don't care about our baby cousins or family. People should understand that just because Gabe isn't here doesn't mean that we should be cut off from all family events....... Sorry to vent but we are still here and we still have feelings. Life goes on!

Christmas in Heaven

I found this from someone special who doesn't know me at all. Her sweet baby boy named Gabe( picture in above) was diagnosed with Wilm's tumor and passed away this year at 4 years olds. This poem is for him and for my Gabe.....

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING

Why me?

So.... I am browsing my facebook page ( which I absolutely can't get enough of) and realize everyone is pregnant or in the process of popping one eventually. I was looking at a friends page and she is standing in her baby's room holding her child with her husband by her side and of course become overly anxious and upset that this can't be me. Instead, I am in a dead end job that I cannot stand and wondering if I am ever going to have a healthy child....

On that note, I went to my first support group with a very amazing group of women, whom half I went to high school with, and they too miss their babies so deeply but seemed to be finding the good in the holidays. Unlike me, I have found no good in the holidays besides the two days off in a row! I may sound kinda humbugish BUT in an attempt to remember Gabe on Christmas I bought the cutest little elf figurine to put near his picture in our living room. However, this figurine cost me more grief that the five dollars I paid. I was in Super Walmart trying to go through the line and realized I was in the 10 items or less line.... I had more than 10 so I took my purse and backed my buggy. Trying to be the good citizen and find another line, my sweet figurine fell out of the buggy and hit the floor. I stood there for a minute and looked at him... his head had broken from the rest of his body. I picked him up and put his head back together and yes, I put him to the side( the place where you realize you don't need something while waiting in line) and pushed my buggy back to the Christmas section to get another one. I haven't been very emotional when going to the grocery anymore but I was very sad that I dropped the elf figurine. I guess I thought it was a sign... don't know what kind but some sort of sign.

Random Thoughts

So this is a random thought! I don't want anyone to take offense but I think that I am so very angry that Gabe is gone! I had so many expectations this year.... one being that he was with us and having his first of holidays, but I don't want to expierence the holidays with my family like I use too. No one understands how life is not fair... a child was born and died for no reason.... my child died for no reason. He was my everything.. the last time I looked into his eyes and yes he was awake, his heart rate went up knowing his mommy and daddy were kissing and hugging him .... he held my finger... looked into my eyes... I remember telling him be a good boy for the nurses and mommy will see you tom. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and left b/c I was in so much pain from a spinal headache and had to return to the hospital. The rest is history... the last people I hoped he saw was Dan and I... I sure hope he knows how much I love him. The 2 days of Gabe's life go through my head everyday like they were yesterday. I think of him so much... I remember him moving around in my belly... I remember him being born.... I remember him so much!

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very weird dream last night.... I dreamt that I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive and then I took another one and it came back positive. I know that I am not pregnant b/c I am on the pill. Every now and then I have dreams where I have a child or many children... most of them are girls. I did dream about Gabe once, it was very odd b/c he was probably 6 or 7 months and I was changing his diaper on a cloud and he was smiling and laughing at me. I pray every night to dream about Gabe but instead I have horrible dreams ( probably b/c I watch NCIS or CSI before I fall asleep). Anyways, it was a very weird dream! Very weird......


Miss you Gabe!

Why death?

Death has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I know that everyone dies but so many of my loved one and friends have died in my life. I remember the very first funeral that I went to was my Papa ( dad's dad) and how very odd it was that we walked down the isle and sat at the pew and listened to the preacher.... on an off day of church! The second funeral was my grandmother ( dad's mom) and that one was more emotional b/c I was so close to her and the fact that no one told me she had passed away... I had to find out from the nursing home nurse over the phone. I think after that funeral there was lull in funerals for a good while. Life was great and continued on as it should. Then BAM! My very good friend in high school was killed in a car accident. That was very tragic and made me extremely sad for quite a while. When I was down and upset I would go visit Eddie and talk to him like he was right there... technically he was! After his death, there was another short lulls in funerals but things just seem to get worse. My cousin, Ivian, whom I was very close to and who Gabe's middle name was named after, killed himself for no apparent reason. I began to wonder if he even went to heaven? My parents talked to me about it and told me that he did a foolish selfish act and he never would understand the people he truly hurt. A few months later, my grandfather died (step mom's dad) and he was buried next to Ivian. So, all the feelings from Ivian's funeral returned at Papa's funeral. There was not many funeral's for about a year. Then, one week before my husband and I were getting married my grandmother passed away. I was very upset even though she had been in the hospital for so long I wanted her to be at my wedding. Over the next 2 years, other people in my life passed away from my step mom's uncle, my sisters' boyfriend, my cousin's husband. My step mom's cousin passed away in January of 08 from alcohol poisoning, I remember being so uncomfortably pregnant and 4to 6 weeks later I was back at that same funeral home in that same funeral chapel for my sweet son Gabe. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that I would be there burying my son. There are so many people that have passed away that I have sat in that chapel for and to be honest I don't think that I could ever go back for another funeral. In fact, my good friend's mom passed away a few months ago... my husband and I got dressed and had all intentions of going to the wake. We drove all the way to the interstate and turned around. We just couldn't go... I don't know why... and I felt guilty b/c I should have been there for my friend the way she was there for us. I just don't understand death. I don't understand why I only had Gabe for 2 days. In fact, I am a little angry about it and can't stop thinking about him lately. I cry at night and yearn for him so bad. I dislike any pregnant women and dislike any of the ones with newborn children esp. boys. I do have a few friends who are pregnant and I am happy for them I am just jealous that their baby is probably going to be just fine. I just want my baby back.... I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him!

Happy 9 months Gabe!

Today.... Gabe would be 9 months old. I guess he would be crawling, eating baby food, saying mamma and dadda. I would cleaning out his drawers of newborn clothes and making room for the 12 month clothes to come. This is really depressing to think! I use to dread the 2nd of every month and the 4th ( when he passed away) of every month, but as the months went on I guess I didn't think as much about it. Well, I sorta dreaded it for November and have been thinking of it all month of October. I guess I don't want Feb.2nd to come.... it means that he has been gone for a whole year. I keep asking myself What if I forget what he looks like? What if I forget what he smells like? What if I forget what his first cry sounded like? All these things and more what ifs!

Happy 9 months Gabe! I love you very much

Halloween.... the start of the dreadful holiday season

Halloween has always meant the start of the holiday season to me. Unfortunately, I am dreading the holiday season b/c I think of all the things that I would be doing with Gabe. He would be tasting his first Doyle's dressing and opening his first Christmas gifts. I am fortunate though that I live in an area where there is no kids so I know that no one will be coming to our door for candy.... and I work tonight so that is good.

I was shopping for a halloween costume for work but as I looked at all the costumes I thought about Gabe and what I would dress him up as. It is really depressing thinking of all the other kids around me that are all dressed up and having a good time. I ultimately decided to dress up as a witch.... well just the hat.

All in all..... I am not looking forward to the holidays and would rather sleep through them!
Bah Humbug!