The day is coming

I have had so many feelings about Gabe's bday which is February 2nd. It has been nerve racking and at the same time anticipated. I want so bad for him to be here and to be celebrating his very first birthday but unfortunately it will be day of what would have been as well as a celebration of his short but treasured life.

Gabe's grandmother(Nancy) is putting a memorial in the paper for Gabe on February 4th... she wrote this for him and I think it is the sweetest birthday gift. It made me very teary eyed... I love you baby boy.

Gabriel Ivian Doyle

February 2, 2008 – February 4, 2008

February comes with joy and sadness.

A month, we will never forget.

You were given to us and taken away.

To your resting place we wander

with flowers, we place with care.

God only knows how our heart aches

as we turn and leave you there.

You were gone before we knew it

and only God knows why.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone, for

part of us went with you,

the day God called you Home.

Each time we look at your picture,

you seem to smile and say

“Don’t grieve, we will meet again someday”.

We love you

New year.... New Beginnings

I am hoping this year brings much more happiness that 2008, not saying Gabe's birth was not the happiest day of my life, but him not being here has made my life a little more difficult. However, this year I am bound and determined to continue school ( I am a life long student) and to graduate by 2011. When I returned to school in the fall of 06, I had originally declared my major as early childhood education but had secretly always wanted to do Special Education. I was so worried that I would be at CofC for more than 2ish years that I just kept my major at early childhood. Well, as we all know I got pregnant with Gabe in May and decided to continue school through the summer trying to get the majority of my pre requisites out the way. That was very hard to do considering I had morning sickness and the only thing I could eat was fruit and mac n cheese and my class was at 7:30am. I got through it, that is both Geology classes with a lab and the morning sickness. Since Gabe's death I have been feeling as though I should pursue the major that means the most to me and to graduate with a special education degree no matter how long it may take. I think that my calling is to work with children who have down syndrome and autism and I believe that in a way Gabe made me believe that I do have the patience and the heart to help these children make a difference in this world.

So, I am back in the grind, this time with a job! I am up at 6:15am every Tues and Thursday.... and for those who know me this is not what time I enjoy getting up but well worth it in the end. I am taking one class for now which happens to be the one subject I am horrible at, Probability and Statistics(thank goodness my husband is a math pro). Once I am done with this class and a math part on the Praxis( teaching test to get into the program)I can then enter the program in August of this year. I will then be graduating in 2011.

I hope this year brings my husband and I a little more peace for Gabe's death. It will never be easy and we think of him constantly everyday of our lives . He will always be our first born and will always be in our hearts.

At a loss

Well, Christmas came and went and nothing exciting has been going on in our lives. We have a cousin who is getting baptized in the weeks to come but we have not been invited. This is the story of the lives of parents who have children who are no longer living. They must think that we don't care about our baby cousins or family. People should understand that just because Gabe isn't here doesn't mean that we should be cut off from all family events....... Sorry to vent but we are still here and we still have feelings. Life goes on!

Christmas in Heaven

I found this from someone special who doesn't know me at all. Her sweet baby boy named Gabe( picture in above) was diagnosed with Wilm's tumor and passed away this year at 4 years olds. This poem is for him and for my Gabe.....

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING

Why me?

So.... I am browsing my facebook page ( which I absolutely can't get enough of) and realize everyone is pregnant or in the process of popping one eventually. I was looking at a friends page and she is standing in her baby's room holding her child with her husband by her side and of course become overly anxious and upset that this can't be me. Instead, I am in a dead end job that I cannot stand and wondering if I am ever going to have a healthy child....

On that note, I went to my first support group with a very amazing group of women, whom half I went to high school with, and they too miss their babies so deeply but seemed to be finding the good in the holidays. Unlike me, I have found no good in the holidays besides the two days off in a row! I may sound kinda humbugish BUT in an attempt to remember Gabe on Christmas I bought the cutest little elf figurine to put near his picture in our living room. However, this figurine cost me more grief that the five dollars I paid. I was in Super Walmart trying to go through the line and realized I was in the 10 items or less line.... I had more than 10 so I took my purse and backed my buggy. Trying to be the good citizen and find another line, my sweet figurine fell out of the buggy and hit the floor. I stood there for a minute and looked at him... his head had broken from the rest of his body. I picked him up and put his head back together and yes, I put him to the side( the place where you realize you don't need something while waiting in line) and pushed my buggy back to the Christmas section to get another one. I haven't been very emotional when going to the grocery anymore but I was very sad that I dropped the elf figurine. I guess I thought it was a sign... don't know what kind but some sort of sign.

Random Thoughts

So this is a random thought! I don't want anyone to take offense but I think that I am so very angry that Gabe is gone! I had so many expectations this year.... one being that he was with us and having his first of holidays, but I don't want to expierence the holidays with my family like I use too. No one understands how life is not fair... a child was born and died for no reason.... my child died for no reason. He was my everything.. the last time I looked into his eyes and yes he was awake, his heart rate went up knowing his mommy and daddy were kissing and hugging him .... he held my finger... looked into my eyes... I remember telling him be a good boy for the nurses and mommy will see you tom. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and left b/c I was in so much pain from a spinal headache and had to return to the hospital. The rest is history... the last people I hoped he saw was Dan and I... I sure hope he knows how much I love him. The 2 days of Gabe's life go through my head everyday like they were yesterday. I think of him so much... I remember him moving around in my belly... I remember him being born.... I remember him so much!

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.