At a loss

Well, Christmas came and went and nothing exciting has been going on in our lives. We have a cousin who is getting baptized in the weeks to come but we have not been invited. This is the story of the lives of parents who have children who are no longer living. They must think that we don't care about our baby cousins or family. People should understand that just because Gabe isn't here doesn't mean that we should be cut off from all family events....... Sorry to vent but we are still here and we still have feelings. Life goes on!

Christmas in Heaven

I found this from someone special who doesn't know me at all. Her sweet baby boy named Gabe( picture in above) was diagnosed with Wilm's tumor and passed away this year at 4 years olds. This poem is for him and for my Gabe.....

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING

Why me?

So.... I am browsing my facebook page ( which I absolutely can't get enough of) and realize everyone is pregnant or in the process of popping one eventually. I was looking at a friends page and she is standing in her baby's room holding her child with her husband by her side and of course become overly anxious and upset that this can't be me. Instead, I am in a dead end job that I cannot stand and wondering if I am ever going to have a healthy child....

On that note, I went to my first support group with a very amazing group of women, whom half I went to high school with, and they too miss their babies so deeply but seemed to be finding the good in the holidays. Unlike me, I have found no good in the holidays besides the two days off in a row! I may sound kinda humbugish BUT in an attempt to remember Gabe on Christmas I bought the cutest little elf figurine to put near his picture in our living room. However, this figurine cost me more grief that the five dollars I paid. I was in Super Walmart trying to go through the line and realized I was in the 10 items or less line.... I had more than 10 so I took my purse and backed my buggy. Trying to be the good citizen and find another line, my sweet figurine fell out of the buggy and hit the floor. I stood there for a minute and looked at him... his head had broken from the rest of his body. I picked him up and put his head back together and yes, I put him to the side( the place where you realize you don't need something while waiting in line) and pushed my buggy back to the Christmas section to get another one. I haven't been very emotional when going to the grocery anymore but I was very sad that I dropped the elf figurine. I guess I thought it was a sign... don't know what kind but some sort of sign.