At a loss

Well, Christmas came and went and nothing exciting has been going on in our lives. We have a cousin who is getting baptized in the weeks to come but we have not been invited. This is the story of the lives of parents who have children who are no longer living. They must think that we don't care about our baby cousins or family. People should understand that just because Gabe isn't here doesn't mean that we should be cut off from all family events....... Sorry to vent but we are still here and we still have feelings. Life goes on!

Christmas in Heaven

I found this from someone special who doesn't know me at all. Her sweet baby boy named Gabe( picture in above) was diagnosed with Wilm's tumor and passed away this year at 4 years olds. This poem is for him and for my Gabe.....

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING

Why me?

So.... I am browsing my facebook page ( which I absolutely can't get enough of) and realize everyone is pregnant or in the process of popping one eventually. I was looking at a friends page and she is standing in her baby's room holding her child with her husband by her side and of course become overly anxious and upset that this can't be me. Instead, I am in a dead end job that I cannot stand and wondering if I am ever going to have a healthy child....

On that note, I went to my first support group with a very amazing group of women, whom half I went to high school with, and they too miss their babies so deeply but seemed to be finding the good in the holidays. Unlike me, I have found no good in the holidays besides the two days off in a row! I may sound kinda humbugish BUT in an attempt to remember Gabe on Christmas I bought the cutest little elf figurine to put near his picture in our living room. However, this figurine cost me more grief that the five dollars I paid. I was in Super Walmart trying to go through the line and realized I was in the 10 items or less line.... I had more than 10 so I took my purse and backed my buggy. Trying to be the good citizen and find another line, my sweet figurine fell out of the buggy and hit the floor. I stood there for a minute and looked at him... his head had broken from the rest of his body. I picked him up and put his head back together and yes, I put him to the side( the place where you realize you don't need something while waiting in line) and pushed my buggy back to the Christmas section to get another one. I haven't been very emotional when going to the grocery anymore but I was very sad that I dropped the elf figurine. I guess I thought it was a sign... don't know what kind but some sort of sign.

Random Thoughts

So this is a random thought! I don't want anyone to take offense but I think that I am so very angry that Gabe is gone! I had so many expectations this year.... one being that he was with us and having his first of holidays, but I don't want to expierence the holidays with my family like I use too. No one understands how life is not fair... a child was born and died for no reason.... my child died for no reason. He was my everything.. the last time I looked into his eyes and yes he was awake, his heart rate went up knowing his mommy and daddy were kissing and hugging him .... he held my finger... looked into my eyes... I remember telling him be a good boy for the nurses and mommy will see you tom. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and left b/c I was in so much pain from a spinal headache and had to return to the hospital. The rest is history... the last people I hoped he saw was Dan and I... I sure hope he knows how much I love him. The 2 days of Gabe's life go through my head everyday like they were yesterday. I think of him so much... I remember him moving around in my belly... I remember him being born.... I remember him so much!

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very weird dream last night.... I dreamt that I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive and then I took another one and it came back positive. I know that I am not pregnant b/c I am on the pill. Every now and then I have dreams where I have a child or many children... most of them are girls. I did dream about Gabe once, it was very odd b/c he was probably 6 or 7 months and I was changing his diaper on a cloud and he was smiling and laughing at me. I pray every night to dream about Gabe but instead I have horrible dreams ( probably b/c I watch NCIS or CSI before I fall asleep). Anyways, it was a very weird dream! Very weird......


Miss you Gabe!

Why death?

Death has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I know that everyone dies but so many of my loved one and friends have died in my life. I remember the very first funeral that I went to was my Papa ( dad's dad) and how very odd it was that we walked down the isle and sat at the pew and listened to the preacher.... on an off day of church! The second funeral was my grandmother ( dad's mom) and that one was more emotional b/c I was so close to her and the fact that no one told me she had passed away... I had to find out from the nursing home nurse over the phone. I think after that funeral there was lull in funerals for a good while. Life was great and continued on as it should. Then BAM! My very good friend in high school was killed in a car accident. That was very tragic and made me extremely sad for quite a while. When I was down and upset I would go visit Eddie and talk to him like he was right there... technically he was! After his death, there was another short lulls in funerals but things just seem to get worse. My cousin, Ivian, whom I was very close to and who Gabe's middle name was named after, killed himself for no apparent reason. I began to wonder if he even went to heaven? My parents talked to me about it and told me that he did a foolish selfish act and he never would understand the people he truly hurt. A few months later, my grandfather died (step mom's dad) and he was buried next to Ivian. So, all the feelings from Ivian's funeral returned at Papa's funeral. There was not many funeral's for about a year. Then, one week before my husband and I were getting married my grandmother passed away. I was very upset even though she had been in the hospital for so long I wanted her to be at my wedding. Over the next 2 years, other people in my life passed away from my step mom's uncle, my sisters' boyfriend, my cousin's husband. My step mom's cousin passed away in January of 08 from alcohol poisoning, I remember being so uncomfortably pregnant and 4to 6 weeks later I was back at that same funeral home in that same funeral chapel for my sweet son Gabe. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that I would be there burying my son. There are so many people that have passed away that I have sat in that chapel for and to be honest I don't think that I could ever go back for another funeral. In fact, my good friend's mom passed away a few months ago... my husband and I got dressed and had all intentions of going to the wake. We drove all the way to the interstate and turned around. We just couldn't go... I don't know why... and I felt guilty b/c I should have been there for my friend the way she was there for us. I just don't understand death. I don't understand why I only had Gabe for 2 days. In fact, I am a little angry about it and can't stop thinking about him lately. I cry at night and yearn for him so bad. I dislike any pregnant women and dislike any of the ones with newborn children esp. boys. I do have a few friends who are pregnant and I am happy for them I am just jealous that their baby is probably going to be just fine. I just want my baby back.... I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him!

Happy 9 months Gabe!

Today.... Gabe would be 9 months old. I guess he would be crawling, eating baby food, saying mamma and dadda. I would cleaning out his drawers of newborn clothes and making room for the 12 month clothes to come. This is really depressing to think! I use to dread the 2nd of every month and the 4th ( when he passed away) of every month, but as the months went on I guess I didn't think as much about it. Well, I sorta dreaded it for November and have been thinking of it all month of October. I guess I don't want Feb.2nd to come.... it means that he has been gone for a whole year. I keep asking myself What if I forget what he looks like? What if I forget what he smells like? What if I forget what his first cry sounded like? All these things and more what ifs!

Happy 9 months Gabe! I love you very much

Halloween.... the start of the dreadful holiday season

Halloween has always meant the start of the holiday season to me. Unfortunately, I am dreading the holiday season b/c I think of all the things that I would be doing with Gabe. He would be tasting his first Doyle's dressing and opening his first Christmas gifts. I am fortunate though that I live in an area where there is no kids so I know that no one will be coming to our door for candy.... and I work tonight so that is good.

I was shopping for a halloween costume for work but as I looked at all the costumes I thought about Gabe and what I would dress him up as. It is really depressing thinking of all the other kids around me that are all dressed up and having a good time. I ultimately decided to dress up as a witch.... well just the hat.

All in all..... I am not looking forward to the holidays and would rather sleep through them!
Bah Humbug!

The blanket

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post when I actually sit down to the computer. When I lay in bed I can think of so many things I would love to write down about Gabe. So, I thought I would share this little bit of " weirdness." When Gabe was born they wrapped him in the usual receiving blanket and when he was transferred to MUSC he had one as well. The hospital never gave me the one he had when he was born but MUSC gave me the one they wrapped him in when he pasted away. Well, one night I was in his room and found the bag they gave us with his receiving blanket and it smelled just like him ( newborn baby). I decided I wanted to sleep with it and unfortunately I HAVE to sleep with it every night even though it does end up on the floor some nights. I hope that eventually I can part with it but for some odd reason it still smells like him. I don't know if this is healthy but it makes me feel a little bit closer to him.

Babies Babies everywhere

Well... my husband's cousin had her baby yesterday and we never knew she was pregnant. That means she got pregnant in February ( when Gabe was born and passed). His parents didn't want to tell us. That kinda makes me angry and sad because my life has to go on, sadly, without Gabe. I miss him more than anyone can ever imagine and yes when I hear of multiple babies being born in one day it does hurt and make me think of everything I went through to see my precious baby and for him to be taken away 2 days later.

Our friends also had their baby yesterday... Baby Abby. What a cute little girl.... looks exactly like any other newborn. The pictures of Abby also made me think of Gabe. I guess I knew I would have to get to this point sometime, people can't stop having babies around me on my account.

Song for Gabe

This Tracey Chapman song reminded me of Gabe.... You have to hear it.



If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

This is for me

Well, This is my first blog and like the title says "this is for me" to put my thoughts and feelings down about losing my first child, Gabriel Ivian.

It has been 8 months since I saw his sweet little face.
It has been 8 months since I kissed him.
It has been 8 months since I looked into his eyes
It has been 8 months since I held him
It has been everyday that I think of him

Gabe was born on February 2, 2008 at 12:52 and he past away on February 4, 2008 at 12:15. He was born with Down Syndrome which we didn't find out about until after he was 4 hours old. He had facial features of downs but I truly believe that he only had a mild case. It really wouldn't have mattered to me I love him the same. There still is no real reason why Gabe went to heaven. His autopsy reports claim he had some sort of genetic disease called FHL but geneticists say that it is so rare for a child to have two " genetic" diseases. So, we are back at the beginning..... Why did my child have to die? Will I ever have a healthy child? Am I a carrier of this disease? Why me? Instead, I have an empty nursery, one that I won't go into and refuse to pack. Where does this leave me? Missing Gabe every moment, minute and hour of my life.