I am in a dream

I sometimes feel like having Gabe and loosing him was just a dream. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that this would happen to me. I often wonder what I did or who I angered to have such a horrible loss. I sometimes have to sit down and really think about the 2 days that I had Gabe. It is not like I don't think about him and yearn for him but I feel like it is somewhat of a blur that is the events that happened especially on February 4th. Lately, when I see a baby esp. a boy I get very angry that those people were able to have a healthy baby.... what about me and my baby? I get worried that the next baby will have the same problem and that I will never be able to take home a live child. I feel like I am somehow taking my husbands dreams of having a child away b/c this could be my fault or possibly be our genetics together. Gabe was not really planned, but we were talking about trying in the next month although I was already pregnant and didn't know it... however as soon as we found out we were pregnant we were so overjoyed and excited about our little bean. He means the world to us and I just wish I knew why he passed away. It is so scary that he could have had some sort of genetic disease that was undetectable in utero. I miss him and wish for him back everyday!

Happy Birthday Gabe!

To my precious baby boy,
Happy Birthday Gabriel! I miss you and love you more than anyone could ever love someone. I am so sorry that you cannot be here with the ones that love you. I do not understand why God chose to take you away from us. I want you to be here with your mommy and daddy and doing what one year olds do.... I have no clue what that would be. However, I am thankful that I got to see you, hold you, kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me. You are a blessing to me! I am so glad that you came into this world with parents, grandparents, aunts, and many friends who love you so much. I will always treasure the two days we had together... they will alwasy be imbedded in my heart and my soul. So today baby boy is for you! This is Gabe's day and always will be! I miss you, love you, and will never forget you! Happy Birthday Gabriel Ivian!