Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Gabe,
Happy Thanksgiving... I wish you were here to join us in the festivities. I miss you soooo much and can't help to wonder why this all happened. Everyone is thinking of you and wishing you were here. I love you sweet baby boy... you are always in my heart!

Love,
Mommy

An update!

I haven't blogged in such a long time, in fact I read so many other blogs and don't ever have the courage to really write how I feel plus I am a horrible writer. On that note, I returned to the College of Charleston this semester with full intent on graduating in May 2011 with a BS in Special education with an emphasis on emotional and mental disabilities. I would love to teach/work with children who have mental disabilities primarily down syndrome. This is dear to my heart because of Gabe's diagnosis and it makes me feel as though I am little bit closer to who or what he could have become. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't a walk in the park by no means, in fact after all the research I have done on down syndrome one would think I would know a little bit but there is so much more than just a definition and a bunch of characteristics. Sooo, classes have been good, stressful, and at times really sad. They have made me think a lot about what could have been with Gabe and the things that I never got to go through with him but the ironic part is that I don't think as much about the baby things like bringing him home, dressing him, caring for him but more about the things we would be doing with him because of his disability. There are so many people in my classes who are there for the same reasons as I and everyday there is a story about a friend, relative, and even a son or daughter (from the older students) who made the decision to enter this field to make a difference, and most of them have proudly told their stories. However, I don't think I am quite ready to tell everyone about my Gabe; plus I don't want everyone to see me cry!

Other than school, study, home, dinner, bed, maybe some tv at the end of the night..... my life is just pretty much uneventful. But happily uneventful!

Life can be so unfair!!!!!!!!

I miss my Gabe so much! I wish you were here! I feel as though life can be so unfair.

Tough Week

This week has been a very weird one. I think that with all the pregnancies around me and all the people who have just had babies has made me think of Gabe a lot more than I usually do. I truly believe that I have somewhat accepted Gabe's death however I do at times get the knot in my stomach when I hear someone close to me is expecting. I am happy for these people but I just wish it was me or wish I had Gabe with me now. I then start thinking about what we would be doing with him and how my friends who have kids would probably be hanging out more. I sorta think that they are in a different stage of life than I am even though I was just at that stage about a year ago.

I am in a dream

I sometimes feel like having Gabe and loosing him was just a dream. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that this would happen to me. I often wonder what I did or who I angered to have such a horrible loss. I sometimes have to sit down and really think about the 2 days that I had Gabe. It is not like I don't think about him and yearn for him but I feel like it is somewhat of a blur that is the events that happened especially on February 4th. Lately, when I see a baby esp. a boy I get very angry that those people were able to have a healthy baby.... what about me and my baby? I get worried that the next baby will have the same problem and that I will never be able to take home a live child. I feel like I am somehow taking my husbands dreams of having a child away b/c this could be my fault or possibly be our genetics together. Gabe was not really planned, but we were talking about trying in the next month although I was already pregnant and didn't know it... however as soon as we found out we were pregnant we were so overjoyed and excited about our little bean. He means the world to us and I just wish I knew why he passed away. It is so scary that he could have had some sort of genetic disease that was undetectable in utero. I miss him and wish for him back everyday!

Happy Birthday Gabe!

To my precious baby boy,
Happy Birthday Gabriel! I miss you and love you more than anyone could ever love someone. I am so sorry that you cannot be here with the ones that love you. I do not understand why God chose to take you away from us. I want you to be here with your mommy and daddy and doing what one year olds do.... I have no clue what that would be. However, I am thankful that I got to see you, hold you, kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me. You are a blessing to me! I am so glad that you came into this world with parents, grandparents, aunts, and many friends who love you so much. I will always treasure the two days we had together... they will alwasy be imbedded in my heart and my soul. So today baby boy is for you! This is Gabe's day and always will be! I miss you, love you, and will never forget you! Happy Birthday Gabriel Ivian!

The day is coming

I have had so many feelings about Gabe's bday which is February 2nd. It has been nerve racking and at the same time anticipated. I want so bad for him to be here and to be celebrating his very first birthday but unfortunately it will be day of what would have been as well as a celebration of his short but treasured life.

Gabe's grandmother(Nancy) is putting a memorial in the paper for Gabe on February 4th... she wrote this for him and I think it is the sweetest birthday gift. It made me very teary eyed... I love you baby boy.

Gabriel Ivian Doyle

February 2, 2008 – February 4, 2008

February comes with joy and sadness.

A month, we will never forget.

You were given to us and taken away.

To your resting place we wander

with flowers, we place with care.

God only knows how our heart aches

as we turn and leave you there.

You were gone before we knew it

and only God knows why.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone, for

part of us went with you,

the day God called you Home.

Each time we look at your picture,

you seem to smile and say

“Don’t grieve, we will meet again someday”.

We love you

New year.... New Beginnings

I am hoping this year brings much more happiness that 2008, not saying Gabe's birth was not the happiest day of my life, but him not being here has made my life a little more difficult. However, this year I am bound and determined to continue school ( I am a life long student) and to graduate by 2011. When I returned to school in the fall of 06, I had originally declared my major as early childhood education but had secretly always wanted to do Special Education. I was so worried that I would be at CofC for more than 2ish years that I just kept my major at early childhood. Well, as we all know I got pregnant with Gabe in May and decided to continue school through the summer trying to get the majority of my pre requisites out the way. That was very hard to do considering I had morning sickness and the only thing I could eat was fruit and mac n cheese and my class was at 7:30am. I got through it, that is both Geology classes with a lab and the morning sickness. Since Gabe's death I have been feeling as though I should pursue the major that means the most to me and to graduate with a special education degree no matter how long it may take. I think that my calling is to work with children who have down syndrome and autism and I believe that in a way Gabe made me believe that I do have the patience and the heart to help these children make a difference in this world.

So, I am back in the grind, this time with a job! I am up at 6:15am every Tues and Thursday.... and for those who know me this is not what time I enjoy getting up but well worth it in the end. I am taking one class for now which happens to be the one subject I am horrible at, Probability and Statistics(thank goodness my husband is a math pro). Once I am done with this class and a math part on the Praxis( teaching test to get into the program)I can then enter the program in August of this year. I will then be graduating in 2011.

I hope this year brings my husband and I a little more peace for Gabe's death. It will never be easy and we think of him constantly everyday of our lives . He will always be our first born and will always be in our hearts.