Random Thoughts

So this is a random thought! I don't want anyone to take offense but I think that I am so very angry that Gabe is gone! I had so many expectations this year.... one being that he was with us and having his first of holidays, but I don't want to expierence the holidays with my family like I use too. No one understands how life is not fair... a child was born and died for no reason.... my child died for no reason. He was my everything.. the last time I looked into his eyes and yes he was awake, his heart rate went up knowing his mommy and daddy were kissing and hugging him .... he held my finger... looked into my eyes... I remember telling him be a good boy for the nurses and mommy will see you tom. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him and left b/c I was in so much pain from a spinal headache and had to return to the hospital. The rest is history... the last people I hoped he saw was Dan and I... I sure hope he knows how much I love him. The 2 days of Gabe's life go through my head everyday like they were yesterday. I think of him so much... I remember him moving around in my belly... I remember him being born.... I remember him so much!

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

Weird Dream

I had a very weird dream last night.... I dreamt that I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive and then I took another one and it came back positive. I know that I am not pregnant b/c I am on the pill. Every now and then I have dreams where I have a child or many children... most of them are girls. I did dream about Gabe once, it was very odd b/c he was probably 6 or 7 months and I was changing his diaper on a cloud and he was smiling and laughing at me. I pray every night to dream about Gabe but instead I have horrible dreams ( probably b/c I watch NCIS or CSI before I fall asleep). Anyways, it was a very weird dream! Very weird......


Miss you Gabe!

Why death?

Death has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I know that everyone dies but so many of my loved one and friends have died in my life. I remember the very first funeral that I went to was my Papa ( dad's dad) and how very odd it was that we walked down the isle and sat at the pew and listened to the preacher.... on an off day of church! The second funeral was my grandmother ( dad's mom) and that one was more emotional b/c I was so close to her and the fact that no one told me she had passed away... I had to find out from the nursing home nurse over the phone. I think after that funeral there was lull in funerals for a good while. Life was great and continued on as it should. Then BAM! My very good friend in high school was killed in a car accident. That was very tragic and made me extremely sad for quite a while. When I was down and upset I would go visit Eddie and talk to him like he was right there... technically he was! After his death, there was another short lulls in funerals but things just seem to get worse. My cousin, Ivian, whom I was very close to and who Gabe's middle name was named after, killed himself for no apparent reason. I began to wonder if he even went to heaven? My parents talked to me about it and told me that he did a foolish selfish act and he never would understand the people he truly hurt. A few months later, my grandfather died (step mom's dad) and he was buried next to Ivian. So, all the feelings from Ivian's funeral returned at Papa's funeral. There was not many funeral's for about a year. Then, one week before my husband and I were getting married my grandmother passed away. I was very upset even though she had been in the hospital for so long I wanted her to be at my wedding. Over the next 2 years, other people in my life passed away from my step mom's uncle, my sisters' boyfriend, my cousin's husband. My step mom's cousin passed away in January of 08 from alcohol poisoning, I remember being so uncomfortably pregnant and 4to 6 weeks later I was back at that same funeral home in that same funeral chapel for my sweet son Gabe. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that I would be there burying my son. There are so many people that have passed away that I have sat in that chapel for and to be honest I don't think that I could ever go back for another funeral. In fact, my good friend's mom passed away a few months ago... my husband and I got dressed and had all intentions of going to the wake. We drove all the way to the interstate and turned around. We just couldn't go... I don't know why... and I felt guilty b/c I should have been there for my friend the way she was there for us. I just don't understand death. I don't understand why I only had Gabe for 2 days. In fact, I am a little angry about it and can't stop thinking about him lately. I cry at night and yearn for him so bad. I dislike any pregnant women and dislike any of the ones with newborn children esp. boys. I do have a few friends who are pregnant and I am happy for them I am just jealous that their baby is probably going to be just fine. I just want my baby back.... I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him!

Happy 9 months Gabe!

Today.... Gabe would be 9 months old. I guess he would be crawling, eating baby food, saying mamma and dadda. I would cleaning out his drawers of newborn clothes and making room for the 12 month clothes to come. This is really depressing to think! I use to dread the 2nd of every month and the 4th ( when he passed away) of every month, but as the months went on I guess I didn't think as much about it. Well, I sorta dreaded it for November and have been thinking of it all month of October. I guess I don't want Feb.2nd to come.... it means that he has been gone for a whole year. I keep asking myself What if I forget what he looks like? What if I forget what he smells like? What if I forget what his first cry sounded like? All these things and more what ifs!

Happy 9 months Gabe! I love you very much