Why death?

Death has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I know that everyone dies but so many of my loved one and friends have died in my life. I remember the very first funeral that I went to was my Papa ( dad's dad) and how very odd it was that we walked down the isle and sat at the pew and listened to the preacher.... on an off day of church! The second funeral was my grandmother ( dad's mom) and that one was more emotional b/c I was so close to her and the fact that no one told me she had passed away... I had to find out from the nursing home nurse over the phone. I think after that funeral there was lull in funerals for a good while. Life was great and continued on as it should. Then BAM! My very good friend in high school was killed in a car accident. That was very tragic and made me extremely sad for quite a while. When I was down and upset I would go visit Eddie and talk to him like he was right there... technically he was! After his death, there was another short lulls in funerals but things just seem to get worse. My cousin, Ivian, whom I was very close to and who Gabe's middle name was named after, killed himself for no apparent reason. I began to wonder if he even went to heaven? My parents talked to me about it and told me that he did a foolish selfish act and he never would understand the people he truly hurt. A few months later, my grandfather died (step mom's dad) and he was buried next to Ivian. So, all the feelings from Ivian's funeral returned at Papa's funeral. There was not many funeral's for about a year. Then, one week before my husband and I were getting married my grandmother passed away. I was very upset even though she had been in the hospital for so long I wanted her to be at my wedding. Over the next 2 years, other people in my life passed away from my step mom's uncle, my sisters' boyfriend, my cousin's husband. My step mom's cousin passed away in January of 08 from alcohol poisoning, I remember being so uncomfortably pregnant and 4to 6 weeks later I was back at that same funeral home in that same funeral chapel for my sweet son Gabe. I would have never imagined in a thousand years that I would be there burying my son. There are so many people that have passed away that I have sat in that chapel for and to be honest I don't think that I could ever go back for another funeral. In fact, my good friend's mom passed away a few months ago... my husband and I got dressed and had all intentions of going to the wake. We drove all the way to the interstate and turned around. We just couldn't go... I don't know why... and I felt guilty b/c I should have been there for my friend the way she was there for us. I just don't understand death. I don't understand why I only had Gabe for 2 days. In fact, I am a little angry about it and can't stop thinking about him lately. I cry at night and yearn for him so bad. I dislike any pregnant women and dislike any of the ones with newborn children esp. boys. I do have a few friends who are pregnant and I am happy for them I am just jealous that their baby is probably going to be just fine. I just want my baby back.... I just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him!