Halloween.... the start of the dreadful holiday season

Halloween has always meant the start of the holiday season to me. Unfortunately, I am dreading the holiday season b/c I think of all the things that I would be doing with Gabe. He would be tasting his first Doyle's dressing and opening his first Christmas gifts. I am fortunate though that I live in an area where there is no kids so I know that no one will be coming to our door for candy.... and I work tonight so that is good.

I was shopping for a halloween costume for work but as I looked at all the costumes I thought about Gabe and what I would dress him up as. It is really depressing thinking of all the other kids around me that are all dressed up and having a good time. I ultimately decided to dress up as a witch.... well just the hat.

All in all..... I am not looking forward to the holidays and would rather sleep through them!
Bah Humbug!

The blanket

I have had a hard time thinking of things to post when I actually sit down to the computer. When I lay in bed I can think of so many things I would love to write down about Gabe. So, I thought I would share this little bit of " weirdness." When Gabe was born they wrapped him in the usual receiving blanket and when he was transferred to MUSC he had one as well. The hospital never gave me the one he had when he was born but MUSC gave me the one they wrapped him in when he pasted away. Well, one night I was in his room and found the bag they gave us with his receiving blanket and it smelled just like him ( newborn baby). I decided I wanted to sleep with it and unfortunately I HAVE to sleep with it every night even though it does end up on the floor some nights. I hope that eventually I can part with it but for some odd reason it still smells like him. I don't know if this is healthy but it makes me feel a little bit closer to him.

Babies Babies everywhere

Well... my husband's cousin had her baby yesterday and we never knew she was pregnant. That means she got pregnant in February ( when Gabe was born and passed). His parents didn't want to tell us. That kinda makes me angry and sad because my life has to go on, sadly, without Gabe. I miss him more than anyone can ever imagine and yes when I hear of multiple babies being born in one day it does hurt and make me think of everything I went through to see my precious baby and for him to be taken away 2 days later.

Our friends also had their baby yesterday... Baby Abby. What a cute little girl.... looks exactly like any other newborn. The pictures of Abby also made me think of Gabe. I guess I knew I would have to get to this point sometime, people can't stop having babies around me on my account.

Song for Gabe

This Tracey Chapman song reminded me of Gabe.... You have to hear it.



If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

This is for me

Well, This is my first blog and like the title says "this is for me" to put my thoughts and feelings down about losing my first child, Gabriel Ivian.

It has been 8 months since I saw his sweet little face.
It has been 8 months since I kissed him.
It has been 8 months since I looked into his eyes
It has been 8 months since I held him
It has been everyday that I think of him

Gabe was born on February 2, 2008 at 12:52 and he past away on February 4, 2008 at 12:15. He was born with Down Syndrome which we didn't find out about until after he was 4 hours old. He had facial features of downs but I truly believe that he only had a mild case. It really wouldn't have mattered to me I love him the same. There still is no real reason why Gabe went to heaven. His autopsy reports claim he had some sort of genetic disease called FHL but geneticists say that it is so rare for a child to have two " genetic" diseases. So, we are back at the beginning..... Why did my child have to die? Will I ever have a healthy child? Am I a carrier of this disease? Why me? Instead, I have an empty nursery, one that I won't go into and refuse to pack. Where does this leave me? Missing Gabe every moment, minute and hour of my life.